A good friend of mine asked a bunch of her friends, including me, for suggestions for a family member who will be entering college in the fall. Since I think kids these days know that daiquiris have alcohol in them - something I learned my first freshman weekend - I was not immediately sure what I had to say for today's freshmen. So, the challenge was to figure out what from my experience a generation ago might be of use to someone now.
First, I
loved college. Thinking of the fall of freshman year brings back a multimedia series of memories for me- the snap of cool air, the smell of burning leaves, and the brilliant orange, yellow and rich brown hues that heralded autumn. I remember being overwhelmed by the sheer size of the college campus and the daunting amount I was supposed to learn in my first biology class. It was a transformational time for me.
Vivid emotions return, much deeper, richer and more resonant than the tamer, more innocent, pastels of my high school memories. Sophomore year, I transferred to Auburn University, and moved away from the town where I grew up for the first time. I remember watching the door of my on-campus apartment close and feeling a heart-wrenching pang when my parents left. That pang was immediately overshadowed by my exuberant roommate, who reached over my shoulder from behind, handed me a beer, and said, "Let's go meet everybody" - and we did. (Shy people, as I was at the time, benefit enormously by having outgoing friends like that particular roommate.)
I remember my first tentative forays to parties, the surprise and happiness of meeting new friends, the heart-pounding excitement of SEC football games, the bittersweet life lesson of confusing love and infatuation...and making many small and large boneheaded mistakes while fumbling my way to adulthood. I am still not sure when adulthood arrived, but I think motherhood actually caused that particular curtain to finally rise.
So, when I was asked to revisit that time and note what I'd wished I knew, I wrote the following. I wrote it in a hurry, and it's not complete, of course, but I thought I'd share it nonetheless. Maybe something will resonate for you, or maybe I can keep it handy, and add to it, to revisit when my son makes that journey. Let me know what you think, what you'd add, and what you think is not worthwhile.
1. Your common sense is the only peer of yours whose pressure warrants a second thought. Your real-life peers are generally as or more confused as you are.
2. Network without reserve. Ask your family and friends and parents' friends for help when you are thinking of various careers, need a summer job, or want an internship. One of them will know someone who knows someone who can get you that internship or summer job -- or just a conversation that might either open a door or make you change your mind.
3. Don't broadcast too much of your life online. Online is forever, and what makes sense now, or is just spur-of-the-moment fun, may cause you to cringe in five, ten or twenty years.
4. There is a difference between giddy mistakes and soul-scarring decisions, and don't hesitate to ask for help when life gets tough. I hope you don't encounter the latter type of experience so early, but most people do. Both, wrenching as they can be to experience, will add value to your life if you learn from them and don't just store them away, out of thought. Most of all, though, make sure you always have at least one person you know you can go to who will help you through those toughest times, doesn't betray secrets and loves you unconditionally. They'll help you sail through the trickiest times and come out as unscathed as possible.
5. There are a lot more people who you'll find fun to kiss than who you'll fall in love with. Enjoy dating, don't take it too seriously, keep it light, and the serious relationships will inevitably come. Don't go overboard - no one ever said, "Wow, I really admire the way (s)he gets around."
6. Ask for advice from those you trust and respect. You will be surprised that grown-ups you know have struggled with the same issues you will encounter, made some of the same wise and unwise decisions. People like being asked for advice and they will give you
guidance you can use as one factor to help you make your own
decisions.
7. A well-lived life is one that is made of consistently good decisions, small and large, one at a time, that build to happiness and contentment. Sometimes those decisions are profound - which job should I take? Sometimes they are deadly dull - should I skip class today? It's easy to make most of those decisions, and they build a platform to take you where you want to go, even if you don't yet know exactly where that is. It's like working out - not particularly stimulating or exciting, but over time, the results are undeniable.
8. Adventure away. This is the time of your life where you have a unique mix of budding maturity and a lack of responsibility. Enjoy it thoroughly, take chances, try new things - surprise yourself. Your new experiences will far outweigh your mistakes,and you'll be surprised by the new lifelong passions you'll find.
9. Connect to your existing hobbies and talents when you get to college. Join a sports team, sign up for a club or two. Don't overdo it, but make sure you have some connection to the things that matter to you so you can meet other people who have that same connection and make new friends.
10. Share your time, treasure and talent. Do something nice, large or small, for someone else every day. It sounds corny, but that energy you put out in the world is in fact the energy that returns to you.
11. "No" is a valuable word. Learn how and when to use it to protect yourself from overcommitment, from people who want to take advantage of you, from putting yourself in danger, and from letting someone else tell you what to do. (People are going to be asking you to do more things than ever before, so even though this tip might sound patronizing, your new world has so many new options that it's worth revisiting).
12. "Yes" is a valuable word. Learn how and when to use it to try new things, to help other people, to create connections with people who will turn out to be lifelong friends, and to find surprising new routes for your life.
13. Have fun - lots and lots of fun. For a very long time, every year can be better than the year before. At some point in the very distant future, I'm told that you go over the hill, and that may cease to be the case. But, with a little luck, your unbroken line of better-than-the-year-before-years can last 50, 60 years or more - and the remainder will be better because of the early, happy ones.
14. Stay in close contact with your family and your best friends. Tell the people you love that you love them early and often. This not least because, if you experience an unexpected loss, you'll know that your loved one knew you loved them and also knew the things you appreciated most about them.
15. Being happily single is surpassed only by being happily in a committed relationship. Being in an unhappy relationship is worse than being unhappily single, because a relationship just to "have someone" does that someone no favors and is dishonest at its core. So have fun when you're single and be open to recognizing that real relationship when it either zings you and reveals itself as a surprising change from a long-term friendship.
